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2025 moving forwars

Looked back at my post last January.
And I did keep to my goal of once a week going and working out. A year later and I am feeling better mentally and am definitely physically stronger. Planning on keeping that up this year. One thing that kinda disappeared this year ( and had been gone for...a while probably since 2020) was my creative outlets. I wasn't crafting much and had a lot of doom scrolling.

I did make a roll for craft list which I used earlier this week and got me knitting 3 days in a row this week. So far it is a win. Aiming to craft (and rolling for ideas) at least once a week.

Entry tags:

Thought of grief and healing

This year is the first time since 2019 that I feel like I am both "in the holiday mood" and able to do the holiday stuff. The last couple years I have been doing the bare minimum of holiday stuff. Gift shopping, standard holiday events (Christmas eve dinner, Christmas day family). This year I putt out the wreath, got a Christmas tree, decorated it with the kids, took them to meet santa along with doing all the other stuff. But the in the holiday spirit, I was excited to go shopping, I wanted to sing songs and watch Muppet Christmas Carol.

And I know that the last few years I haven't been able to do that due to grief but I am healing. This goes back to December 2020 being the giant lucky month. With having the ob saying, things aren't looking normal you need to have more scans, hearing the results ofnthenscan alone in at the doctors because Kyle wasnt able to come with me due to Covid to saying goodbye to my second son a week before Christmas. Plus with covid going around, we didn't get to do the normal traditions with either side of the family.

That year Christmas was very very low key. Thankfully kiddo was too young to remember. In 21, 22 and even 23, I was doing Christmas for the kids (kiddo and then the baby).
I don't know why this year is different but I am welcoming the change. It is not back full force (the tree was only gotten and decorated on the 22nd) but it feels like a lot more progress.

Entry tags:

life update

Body Check in

So it is now July and I have been going to the gym pretty regularly for 6 1/2 months now. Right now I am going twice a week. Typically a mix of cardio and weight training, but with the gym renovations we have had some days were we just did all cardio because there were no machine available.

Things that have changed

Carry the little one on my shoulder for at least a 1/2 mile walk without any back pain
Pick up the oldest and carry him up stairs without getting winded or dropping him
Carrying groceries/heavy things are easier
Lost 15 pounds
Generally more energy
Acutally start to missing the moving of my body when unable to make it to the gym (when I was laid out with sickness for like 2ish weeks)

Not seeing a huge difference in how clothes fit yet which is not bothering me as much as I thought it would. We will see how i am feeling during vacation when I will be in a bathing suit for a good chunk of the week. But honestly I was in a bathing suit 4 months after giving birth, so as long as I can keep up with the kids that is what is most important.

But for the most part I have kept up with going to the gym at least once a week. I did take a break when I was recovering from stomach bug/cold/random sickness.

Also all the weights I use have gone up. I was hesitant at first so I started probably way lower then I needed but I am hitting a point that most leg things are around 100lbs, arms are around 40-50 lbs and core/back are at 110lbs. which is pretty awesome.

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Con report (late is better then never)

So Kyle and I have been going to MaGfest (Music and Gaming Festival) together since 2017 (minus a couple of Covid years). It has become out weekend together without kids. Typically we have a good time, buy cool things, eat yummy foods and just spend time with each other.

Friday it was snowing and I was a bit nervous. I had taken an half day so I was done at noon. Thankfully hubs got the kids to my parents safely and we manage to get down to the con area it not too much extra time. we got there around 2, got our badges, did a loop around the marketplace and get a bit overwelmed at all the people and sights and sounds. Then we checked in. Sadly we can't get into the con hotel but we were about 5 minute walk away. We took a nap then had dinner at our favorite restaurant down there. We shared a pitcher of Margaritas and then when back to the hotel room to chill, relax and sleep.

Saturday, I got up at 8ish cause I can't sleep in. Kyle was still snoozing so I dressed up as a mermaid and wandered over. I got to hear the Community Orchestra play and that was really cool. Then I did some wandering and bought some goodies, tried out some indie video games and card games. By then Kyle was awake so we met up for lunch and then went back to the con. We did some time in the arcade. Then chilled at one of the Jam pods to listen to music while giving my feet a rest. Then we decided that we wanted to lay down for a bit before dinner. So back to the hotel for a rest. Then we tried out a new Italian place sharing yummies and then back to the con. We checked out Flamecraft and tried it out with just 2 people. Then kyle wanted to wander and I hung out at the maker space and learned that my gimp (plastic lacing) skills have not left me.
We heading back to our room around 11 and crashed.

Sunday, I once again once up and my GS training kicked in and I started packing up everything cause you have to pack up before breakfast. Kyle got up and packed as well and we checked out around 10. We did a last swing around the marketplace (i got a mystery bag of bath products) then we said good by to the con and got into the car and headed home. Thankfully we had a little time at home before going to pick up the kiddos.

Overall,
Good

I had fun dressing up in a casual mermaid outfit. Made me want to do a cosplay next year (my first?). My current thought was the Neopets soup faerie. Because if you get it, you will get it. But it won't be too difficult and still comfortable and semi-warm.
Food! I really enjoy that we can have sit down meals at nice restaurants just the 2 of us. We don't make it out on a lot of dates the rest of the year so this is really nice. Plus we made reservations Friday night and that was a power move.
I love seeing people's cosplay! I managed get very excited about the same cosplayer that I was excited about last time.

Bad:

COLD! I know I can't change the weather but January with snow and the wind off the water made it super cold which led to more thinking about how to balance the walking to the con in the cold and then the heat of so many bodies in one space
Masking was ....not really a thing. I don't really go out much anymore and I still wear masks at the gym, at target and masks are rare there. But with so many people it was just a bit disheartening ( i know there was a lot of cheering when the con said that that mask were optional and that there was no vaccine expectation)

I got lots of goodies

bag of mystery bath products goodies. Soaps, and bath bombs
Count your Words and Count your numbers games (playable with kiddo)
Lisa frank-esque sticker that says "As per my last email"
2 Sets of earrings
A new cross-stitch kit and stuff that hopefully will be a gift for my brother later.

Overall It was really good. Looking forward to going back again next year.

Entry tags:

life update

Yesterday was a bit of a dumpster fire

Today is Thursday. Tuesday a major storm came through our area, schools closed 2 hours early so much rain. Due to a large portion of our county being on the bay the school buildings were closed today and the kids had an asynchronous school day. They would have to log on to the site by 2pm and complete whatever the teachers had put up. Not looking forward to it but whatever I will deal.

It is 9 am Wednesday, Kiddo and I sit down to see what the work is and just after we opened it, the internet went down. Not a worry i thought, lets cycle the router and it should come back in 5 minutes or so. It didn't so after telling the kiddo to go do something else I reached out to Verizon. I start out on their website (thank you mobile data) running through the first few steps. yes my router is on, yes I have turned it off and turned it back on again. And eventually they are like, you should talk to a person. So I call and the customer service rep has me do the same things again. no lucky. they try things on their end. 40 minutes goes by. then he asks well was there a storm in your area, yes I say. So then I am put on hold while they reach out to a local team. Then we find out that a wire was cut so maybe we will have internet back by 9pm. but for sure by Saturday.

During one of the points on hold, I have told kiddo that we will go to the library to do his homework if we don't have internet. So now that i know we aren't going to have it all day that has to happen. I also reach out to my work and tell them that I am calling out. I can't work from home and I have a kiddo home that I will have to help with the 'virtual schooling'.

God bless libraries. I had called earlier to verify that they still had wifi so going there wouldn't be a waste of time. During COVID they boosted their wifi so that you can get a good strong signal in the parking lot. So kiddo and I hung out in my van to start doing work. The first set of stuff wasn't bad, 8 math problems, read this story and answer questions about the setting and the character and the moral. After we did this we took a break to go into the library to return books and run around a little. Then the teacher was having a google meet at noon to check in and explain what the kids needed to do (and possibly take attendance) so we get onto that eventually the big thing that we heard from that was he had to do 1 lesson is math and 1 lesson is reading on the program they use in school. That was the one that was difficult. We did the reading one that took about 15 minutes. Then started the math. And you would think for a kid who likes math this would be the easiest one. It wasn't. he did 5 minutes and then just started complaining. So we took another running around outside break. And before we went back to math the gym teacher had a powerpoint adventure that had thim doing certain dance moves ore lunges or grapevine walks just to move around. That helped. Finally we got back to math and he finished it.

At this point I was losing my mind. I had spent about 2.5 hours with this kid getting him ready to leave the house, sitting next to him has he did his work, taking breaks and then trying to get him refocused. I was already dealing with bad sleep, aches, exhaustion and frustration that I had to call out because of today that I was at my wits end. So i brought kiddo back home and told Kyle, "You're it". Then I went back out.

I started by getting myself food. At this point it was like 1:30 and I hadn't eaten since 8? So I went to a place that has gyros and got some food. Then I got gas and then went to the grocery store. No this isn't really the most relaxing thing I could do but I know I needed to do these errands so that I had food in the house and everything was ready to go.

So about 90 minutes later I am back home. A bit more centered. Played the untitled goose game with him a little bit until it was time to go get the baby.

Thankfully by the time I got back home with the baby the internet was back and we were able to have a pretty normal evening.

I just really glad that today is back to normal everyone is where they need to be (except kyle who is working from home vs going into the office, but he doesn't need a ton from me typically)

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New year word/ quest?

It's 2024, yay?

So I have seen a lot of people come up with a word of the year and the use that to guide their actions
Like balance, rest, family. I spent December thinking about it and decided on Move.

I work from home and there were more days then I care to count when I didn't step foot outside or the only reason I was outside was to pick up/drop off kids. Plus I know that I feel better when I am moving more. So in preparation I (for the first time ever) bought a gym membership. It was. Prepay for the whole year deal and I have at least 2 local friends that go there. So I am going to try and meet up with them cause I do better with a buddy.

But I don't want to have to depend on someone else. So I have made a quest to encourage myself. I must visit the planet of fitness once a week to keep the shields against sorrow charged. Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins mKe you happy and happy people don't kill their husbands.

I am also hoping to move more with my kids (dance parties, outside time) friends (hikes) as well.

Today January 2nd I have done my first visit and the shields are set.

Current Mood: exhausted

Entry tags:

life update

Trying to notice the warning signs and Advocate for myself

So Back in August I was approached about working with a new client for a short term (Sept-Nov) and I said sure. It was a fraternity which I have no experience with but I like learning new things and at the time my work load was manageable and I had spare time.

Fast-forward to October. I am being told that I am doing a good job with this new client but I am feeling like I am failing my other client, I am overly stressed out trying to balance my work and family time and I have been crashing so hard the last week. Like going to bed as soon as the kids are asleep cause I am just so worn out. I haven't managed to get together with friends in weeks and I haven't managed to do much crafting.

I have brought this up to my supervisor that while I can finish out this project, I don't think these kind of clients are going to be a good fit for me. Yes part of it is the later night and weekend work, but like I have done that with other clients. But it is more so the loosey goosey-ness of events, they are more spontanous and I can't do that. Also I have very little in common with college boys. Like Pokémon is the majority of the overlap. But these guys weren't alive when I started playing pokemon, so..... Yeah I realized my 7 year old is closer in age to them then I am. Also to be honest, I don't know if I believe that the greek life system is all that it is cracked up to be. I totally get finding those friends that are ride-or-die. Girl Scouts helped me find those people.

Plus MPA is losing their Executive Director and I am not sure how much turmoil and stress that is going to cause.

TLDR: yay for me for stating that I am not happy working with a new client. Boo I am stressed out.

Entry tags:

1upchallege

1Up Wellness challenge

So apparently, writing things down when you are having feelings is a good way for me to deal with them. Especially when they are things that I can't really change.

But first good things:
Geek Girl Strong's 1Up Wellness Challenge is this week and I am actually (mostly) keeping up with it. I didn't do the exercise part yesterday cause Monday is the hardest day for me I am out of the house most of the day and then the dinner to bedtime crunch is exhausting. But I am keeping up with the nutritional and mental health challenges. So that is really good. Also I realized that doing this challenge for the first time in 2019 is what got me my anti-depressants and truly changed my life.

Progress on the job changes. One party has signed the contract. Waiting for the second and then we should be full speed ahead. I have gotten a trickle of new-hire/on boarding stuff and I AM READY to move forward.

Things I am working on:

Fighting the clutter/mess in the house. I recently did a round in the kids room and in the living room. I have 1 box that needs to get donated. Maybe this week I will do a round in our bedroom.

Movement: it is really hard when it is cold outside and the inside is a mess. But going to ask for help from the family so that I get over that hurdle.

Turn it off and turn it back on again

So I am having a bad brain day. The weather is gross, I didn't sleep great last night. There is a spot right under my nose that is raw from all the tissues I have gone through. None of those things by themselves are overwhelming but adding them on to helping my in-laws out while my FIL recovers from surgery and this weird work month have just overwhelmed me today.

So I am first recognizing that this is valid. I said that the work situation is something that I can only do short-term and this is why. I am exhausted and I am not able to get everything done as quickly as I normally would. It is hard and it sucks and that is okay.

I am also reminding myself that my best looks different on different days. Yesterday I led a 100 person meeting. Today I am just trying to get through my daily/weekly work tasks. THAT IS OKAY.

But I am now on the tricking my brain into thinking things are different stage. I lit a candle cause smells and fire. I put in earrings. And I have decide what I am having for lunch so I have something to look forward to (tuna on triscuits and cucumber with ranch dip). Lets hope this gives me enough steam to get through today.

Also very glad that yesterday Veronica already decided on dinner for tonight.

Entry tags:

life update

Why is it good weekends always end with hellish weeks

This past weekend, hubs and I went to MaGfest. It was our first big thing since MaGfest 2020. Was it a little scary being around so many people. Yeah. But the con was requiring everyone show prove of the first two vaccines and was requiring masks in all con spaces. And honestly I would say 97% of people were wearing them correctly. Which was really nice. We have tested once already and will do again tomorrow to make sure we don't have anything.

Good: I got to talk to people, lots of people, new people. About things I like. I also got to meet Robyn of Geek Girl Strong and that was super awesome. I bought lots of cool things! Bath Bomb with a set of dice inside! Jewelry! New games!

Bad: There was a lot of people. Way more people then I would have liked to be around, but I know that you need a good amount of people to actually turn a profit. Our hotel room didn't have a tub so I couldn't do a bath bomb.

Different: This was the first time that Hubs and I separated for an extended time during a con weekend. I ended up back in the arcade at 9am cause well I had been up since 8. But it was nice to feel comfortable doing that.

But now I am back at work. And work is kinda a mess because we are down a person and we are waiting to find out how we are going to replace them depending on what/when the Board make the decision on how things will be handled going forward. I will have a job, that is not in question. I am (for the month of January) doing the job of two people. Which I agreed to on a temporary basis.

Reflections

It is almost the end of the year. Days are starting to get longer. We have survived.

This has been a hard year. Not for any one particular reason but a lot of little things that have been stacking up. But it has shown me that I am not alone.

Work wise: The big changes have been pushed for another month. But the office is basically empty. We have a copier for them to pick up and the internet equipment to return. That is it. Working from home is not my favorite thing but I have ways to make it more manageable plus both my parents and my in-laws have said that I can work from their house on the days that they have the baby. So I have options. On the bright side I have gotten so much validation from my current boss and the members I work with. They think that I am amazing and irreplaceable and have sent so many kind words to me.

Family: I am a working mother of two kids. One who is in grade school and has a hard time with changes in routine and is smart but doesn't like doing work. The other is getting very mobile very quickly. Which is a lot to balance. I have been trying to figure out how to best spend my time and what I can delegate or let go of. Everyone is fed, not dead and I think they know that I love them so much.

I am very much looking forward to having next week off and I should look ahead and figure out (and request) my next vacation. It will probably be the kiddo's spring break and that is okay. I like my kid and it would be nice to go do things with him.

Also I am not a resolutions person but I like the idea of having a word of the year. I am going to figure out what that is going to be for 2023. Current contenders are Fight and Balance and Rest.

Entry tags:

life update

Unmoored, adrift, listless

Today is a bad brain day. And I am unable to focus because of it so I am going to spend a little time wallowing so that hopefully I can accept this and then move on.

First off, it is grey and rainy and cold outside. This makes waking up hard. It makes staying motivated hard. My mood is very linked to the weather.

Secondly, my house is a mess. The kitchen table has not been fully cleared off in weeks and there are piles of stuff all over the place and I have been having a hard time keeping up with daily cleaning chores. This is multiplied by the fact hubs has not been helping out with daily things like dishes lately and rarely does the general vacuuming, bathroom cleaning, tidying up. And the roommate who typically helps out with the dishes is pisses that hubs isn't helping out so he is not doing it as much anymore either.

Next work. There is a lot of things going on here. 1) I am going to be working fully time from home now. Which is because 2) packing up the office. This has lead to me doing things in the last few months such as, taking pictures and listing furniture, disassembling furniture, scheduling buyer pick ups and donation picks. 3) There are going to be some organizational structural changes (if they get approved tonight). IF things go one way, I will be getting an offer from an association management company, and continue to have this organization as my main client. Or something else will happen (i don't know what the other options are). Once this decision is reached we can take care of the other things around closing the office like the mail and the phones and such. There is a lot going on with work and I am finally done with all my other events and prep so now my brain has the bandwidth to worry.

Christmas, So that is happening in just 10 days. And actually done most of my shopping already. (dropping mad money to the local games store takes care of a lot of people in my family) But I have no decorations up at our house and honestly I don't think I will have it in me to do that before the holidays are here. The kids will have christmas trees at both grandparents house so that is fine.

Also we are at the 2 year anniversary of my TFMR. One the first anniversary I was pregnant (and on the same timeline which was hard). This time I have a very smiley almost 8 month old baby. And I love him so much but also I know that Patrick wasn't so sick he wouldn't be here. Which is all sorts of mind-fucky. I am pissed that now it is harder for families who are now in the same situation to get a TFMR in many places.

Other things, I Kiddo's teacher is leaving next week so he will be starting 2023 out with a new teacher. I am very glad that our school was able to find a new permanent teacher. But also worried cause the new teacher is brand spanking new and kiddo is grumpy about school. I have gotten more messages about him so far this year than all of last year combined. So maybe a new teacher will shake things up.

Oh and there maybe a rodent living in the front garden. Don't think they have made it inside (please let the cats actually be a deterrent) but this was kind of the thing that made everything fall apart yesterday.

Entry tags:

family,
life update

Made it through October!

I spent the last 6 weeks saying I just need to make it through October. October was when hubs was out of town for a week and then I had my week long conference. The rest of the year would be mostly normal stuff so I just had to get through October.

But then one of the speakers from my conference got COVID so we had to reschedule that for November and my oldest kid brought something home from school. It seems like a cold (we have been testing negative for COVID) and it has been a slow onset unlike flu which tends to hit like a brick wall. But he has been home all week with a cough and a runny nose and a bit of a fever for a few days. Thankfully hubs and I have been able to work from home and adjust our work hours to take care of the sick kid and the baby. Cause we aren't going to send the baby to infect the grandparents.

And yes the baby has started getting snotty and coughing. So now I have two kids who are sneezing all over me and super clingy. I know it is just a matter of time before I get sick. So I am hoping that I can finish up my convention wrap up stuff before I get taken down.

On the brighter side the baby got his first COVID shot today. He will get the second one in early December. And this let me let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. Other good things, my MIL has brought over a few dinners which is good because we still need to eat. I should be getting a raise come January.

Not quite sure what my work situation will be in January. I will have a job and will be getting a raise, those are for sure. Also I will no longer have a physical office to go to. I will be full time work from home. What I don't know is if I will be still employed my the same organization or if I will have gotten absorbed into a different organization (either a small one or a larger one). I may have some answers about that by next week, but I am not going to worry about that cause there is absolutely nothing I can do about that and I have enough on my plate.

Other fun news. Hubs and I decided to splurge and buy one of the fancy automatic litter boxes as that has become a very frustrating thing in our lives. The cats have gotten picky about the litter boxes and I am tired of cleaning up their messes in the living room. Here is hoping that it is worth it. Time for me to get some sleep. I have a meeting at 11 and I have no idea what shape the kids will be in tomorrow morning.

Entry tags:

life update

Thoughts

I knew going into the month of October it was going to be a busy month. My big work conference is next week (10 Zoom workshops in 5 days) plus this week is my Hubs big work conference. His is in CA so he flew out on Saturday (3 days ago) and wont be back until Saturday (in 4 days) which means I am solo parenting for the week. The solo parenting ¹ plus all the prep work for my big event was very daunting. But so far everyone is fed, no one is dead and meltdowns have been minimal.

The big thing that has been helping that I have actually asked other people for help. Roommate now cooks dinner both Saturday and Sunday night which is amazing to have 2 days of not having to come up with a meal idea, prep for it and cook it. Plus Monday we had dinner with my parents (cause they watch the baby on Monday) So I would have to come to their house in the evening anyway. On Wednesday I am doing to same thing at my in-laws house. So that takes care of 4 of the 7 dinners. Breakfast is cereal at home for the boy and I can either pack his lunch or have him buy a school lunch (yay being able to prepay for meals online). And I always surprises me how much just having the meals planned out helps the rest. But you got to eat, so I guess it is really a big thing.

The rest of it can be handled by planning and doing my best managing my time. This week in the mornings, I not only get the kiddo up, dressed, ready for school but I also had to get the baby up and packed up to do the school drop out. Not hard per se, but I had to manage timing of when to get the baby up to make sure he could be fed and changed before getting lugged into the car. But I did it. And the kiddo was not late.

Plus I have run this work conference for the last 6 years, and the last 2 years were fully virtual so I have a better idea of how to spread out the prep tasks and I am right on schedule. So that feels good. Plus my boss is in town this week and he is very happy with me and continuing to work with me and has told me how important I am and any plans going forward will include me (if I want to stay) so that just feels good.

I will say one of the unexpected things about having hubs out of town, is that because I have to do all the chores I can get them done when I think they should get done. When he is home he will do chores just on a very different timeline then me which can be frustrating (but I have worked on communicating when I need something done by so that at least I don't have to wait around (to much) for him to do something). Which means that we have gotten to sink zero at least twice so far since Saturday. We will see how I feel after a few more days of solo parenting.

1: I use solo parenting (vs single parenting) for this because I still have a partner, they are just unavailable for the physical parenting side right now. I am still able to reach out to them for emotional support, as a sounding board, and obviously I still have the benefits of two incomes. Plus I know that this is just a temporary thing, hubs will be back and I will get a break. Unlike single parenting which doesn't have all of these benefits and I wish I could give all single parents a hug, a weekend alone and someone to come doing some household chores so they don't have to do it all.

Life update

Well next week the little one will be 3 months. Time has been flying by. I have been back at work for a month now and I think I am pretty much caught up. Which is good cause I am taking the first week in August off.

The baby is growing like a weed. He moved into 3-6 months clothes at 2 months. Plus he is smiling, cooing, and just started blowing bubbles. There are still a lot of contact naps cause well, I want them. But he has also starting sleeping through the night aka from 11 pm to 5/6 am most of the time. I am finding myself enjoying the little things with him. Mostly cause I know that this is my last baby and yes while I will hopefully get to spend time with other babies in the future, this is my last time being a mom of a young baby.

Older kiddo is doing alright. He has been going to camp which he drags his feet in the morning, but then gets mad if I pick him up early. He has discovered minecraft and will show me his latest building or roller coaster. Which I am down for. He still prefers screen time to anything else, but is mostly fine when I tell him it is time for a break. In that he doesn't fight me about the break, but he does start exclaiming that he is now super bored.

Work has been ..... okay I guess. I am still staying pretty productive most days, but I can see that things will be changing soon (we will be working from home full time come January) but trying to keep doing what I need to do. I am in the office 2 days a week while the baby is with grandparents. Then working from home with him the other 3. 2 of those days my sister-in-law comes over and chills with him for a chunk of the day and Friday hubs is home and supposedly only working a half day. And that is working for the summer. We shall see what happens come the fall.

On the other side

Wednesday marked 4 weeks since I gave birth and today my little one will be 1 month old. The time has been flying by but in a good way. I am starting to come out of survival mode. I have started adding small bits of house work and more cooking back into my schedule. Of course I will finally figure out that by the time my maternity leave is up and the school year ends. Then I will have to figure out getting my kiddo to camp, getting the baby off to family and working again.

But I am going to try and enjoy today and each day as they come.

Due dates are just scientific guesses

So I am currently 40 weeks pregnant, this is my due date. This baby is not showing any signs of coming out. My body is exhausted and my brain is fried. Thankfully I am going to start my leave on Monday and my doctor is willing to have me admitted for an induction as of next Thursday (41 weeks). I think finally having a end date, a actual plan of action will be helpful.

Also wondering if having a hard deadline will make this baby get his act together and get a move on.

39 weeks and I am DONE

I am currently 39 weeks pregnant, which is the longest I have ever been pregnant and I am not impressed. My current aches and pains include but are not limited to: Aching hips, slightly swollen feet and hands, feeling very overheated, feeling out of breath when going up the stairs, the inability to get comfortable in any position, having to pee every hour, hemorrhoids and just total exhaustion.

And Yes I chose to get pregnant and I knew that it was not all sunshine and rainbows, but come on, I am ready for this baby. I have been eating dates for the last few weeks, I have done the nipple stimulation, we have had sex, I have tried to be more active and go on more walks.

I am just waiting for my body to be ready and I don't know what else I can do. I am tired of not know what is going on and not being able to actually plan.

So close and yet so far

I have less then a month until my due date. Everything is progressing normally with the baby and the pregnancy, now I am just needed to finish preparing. I have a list of baby things and around the house things that I would like to accomplish and we are slowing moving in that direction. which is good.

Mainly I am just done with being pregnant. Being pregnant in your thirties is much harder then your twenties, at least for me. I am in so much discomfort so much of the time. I know that this is the last (planned) baby that I will be carrying and I am feeling pressure (from somewhere) to try and enjoy and savor it as much as I can. But honestly at 36 weeks pregnant, nothing is comfortable and not sure it is worth savoring at this point.

Plus I have added stress of my boss leaving right at the start of my maternity leave, which is scary. Her departure announcement has kicked a lot of thoughts into the air about my next 5 years and what I want to do with my career. Which is not really the life changes that I was planning on considering right now.

Pregnancy and Weight

CW: Weight gain, Weight loss

In a random urge to see what kind of weight I have gained during this pregnancy I came to a weird conclusion. I currently (34 weeks pregnancy) weight the same amount as I did when I went in for my first pregnancy appointment (9 weeks pregnant).

This is because in September and October I was so severely morning sick that I lost about 20 pounds. It was horrible I had days were I couldn't keep any solid food down. I would barely manage to choke down a smoothie or ensure and my vitamins. Thankfully I managed to keep myself hydrated enough to avoid the hospital. But I was prescribed anti-nausea meds just so I could keep small amounts of food in my stomach. It was really rough.

Thankfully the meds worked and my placenta finally stepped up and started helping out and I was able to stop using the medicine at the end of November.

My baby has been growing just fine throughout all of this. I know that this was one more thing that had me worries. But since I have put the weight back on, it has been going toward the baby/pregnancy rather then just me. I still have about 6 more weeks for this baby to cook and grow.

It has just been a very weird journey/realization.