knit1purr2

So kiddo came home from school the other day talking about how one of the girls in his class had her nails painted. Which reminded him that painted nails are a thing. We have painted his nails a number of times but it only happens when he asks or if I randomly decide to paint mine.

We talked about it and he said he wanted to paint his nails on a school night so he could show off his nails. Thursday night we paint his nails. 

Now he is off to school with his nails done and we talked about what to say if someone says that painted nails are only for girls (painted nails are for anyone who wants them. I am a boy and my nails are painted). 

But I am realizing that I am super worried that someone is going to give him a hard time or his is going to come home super upset. Also I have work on my on biases as I almost talked him into waiting until Monday because today is class picture day. But had to realize if he like them, i should like them and will anyone even see his nails in the picture. 

I think part of the reason my mama bear is coming out is that I am worried about how kiddo is going to handle the adjustment of the new baby. And that is coming soon. It is 8 weeks-ish away. Which is not really a lot of time. And since there isn't much I can do for the baby on the inside, I am focusing on my outside kiddo.  

Honestly I am so done with this pregnancy. This one is so much harder then my one with Kiddo. I am not sure if it is the difference in my ages, the difference is time of year. (getting larger in winter vs summer), or the fact that world is falling apart right now. 

So the 14th and Valentine's Day can be nice. But I have changed my mind about it over the years. This may be because I had a boyfriend who went all out (nice dinner, chocolates, jewelry) and then dumped me a week later. So with hubs it hasn't been super fancy. I had to work our first one, so he came up and brought me a pizza and chilled with me a it.

It has been more about doing the little things that make us feel happy, hopefully with some together time.  But yesterday, I decided we would order out and i would pick it up. And that was going to be nice. But as I was driving home with the food, my body started to rebel. So I managed to get the kiddo and the food home and ran to the bathroom and then I had to lay down. 

Not at all what I wanted the night to be, but hubs came up, checked on me, brought me ginger ale, tucked another blanket over me. Which honestly having someone who will take care of you when you aren't feeling great is really important. Kiddo then curled up with me and I got some sleep and was able to wake up after 2 hours and enjoy some of the food. 

Love is something that people can spend so much time and energy trying to find. I have learned that Love is something that both a gift and work. 
Love is more then just romantic and sexual love. 

I love my husband. Yes I find him attractive, but I like spending time with him and near him. He is the one I want to tell my good news to first and to hold me while I deal with bad news. He takes care of me when I can't/won't take care of myself. 

I love my sons, (Kiddo, Patrick and the one on the way). This love is different, it is a love that wants to keep them safe, but watch them grow. This love can be hard, especially as Kiddo has found his words and expresses his anger. It is an uneven love, but I want them to know that I am always there for them. 

I love my family. My parents who still want to take care of me, who always have their door open to me. My siblings who are more likely to show their love through actions, which may be small like refilling my water. I know I can count on them. 

I love my friends who are family. The ones I can call crying because my world is falling apart and they will listen and tell me how much that sucks. The ones that send me pictures of past adventures or of things that make them think of me/us.

I love my friends who are the community that I feel comfortable in. That we can share silly videos as well as support each other through the weirdness of life. Some of these people I have never met in person, but I hope to. 

I love my community. This is both my local meat space community, my neighbors, kiddo's school. Where we try and help each other out, we check in, even if it a simple, "I have been there" with my neighbor as they are hunting for the one thing that their kid is desperate to find, which we know will be forgotten tomorrow.  Also my online community, as we uplift each other and share resources and our lives. 

So unless you have been living on Mars for the last 3 years, you know COVID is a thing. COVID and peoples different levels of risk and caring about their fellow humans as lead to people having to do their risk calculus to figure out what they are comfortable with. 

I know that my own risk calculus involves the following

•  How many people 
• Who are the people (strangers, friends)
• What kind of policies are in place (mask mandates, requiring vaccines)
• Currently number of cases/hospitalizations/deaths
• What things will I have to give up if I am exposed/get covid
• Current Mental Health
• My families health conditions
• Is this a 1 time event/annual/something that I can wait for
• Plus other factors

Which means that we were find staying home with kiddo during the initial COVID surge. Then as we things started to get under control we were comfortable sending him to daycare. We trusted their procedures, we needed the childcare, numbers were decreasing. 

Now kiddo is in Kindergarten, and in September, numbers were down, the school required everyone to be masked, numbers weren't great but decided it was worth it. 

It is now January, all the numbers are now higher then they have every been before and schools are pushing to have kids back in the classroom. We have another school district that has decided to go back to virtual for 2 weeks because the numbers in December were already starting to grow. Why can't my school district decide to go virtual for just 2 week to get through this surge? There was a 4th grader in our district that already died of COVID. No child should lose their life to this. No teacher should lose their life to this. 

As far as I can tell,  very few students and teachers LIKE doing virtual school, but sometimes we need to do something we dislike so that it is safe to go back to doing the things we do like. 

So we have decided that this week my kid will not go to school. Due to our current calculations, that is what is going to work best for us. And now I know that a state of emergency (which MD just went back under) is considered a lawful absence. So that is a fun fact to know.  

 So last week, I got a call from Kiddo's school that he was a close contact of someone who had tested positive for COVID. Which mean that as of last Friday he has been home with me for the last week.  Which has been ...interesting to stay the least. He has been doing virtual school this week, which has been an adventure. The teacher is very patient with having 20+ kindergarteners who say every single thought that goes through their heads. I have been handling the majority of the getting him connected to class and sitting next to him through it which is testing my patience. 
But the rapid test was negative last week. He was a trooper for the PCR test we did yesterday and as long as that is negative he will be back in school on Monday. 

Honestly as rough as this week has been, I am thankful that the safety procedures that school and our family have in place seem to be working to cut down the spread. I am thankful that Hubs and I are able to do our jobs from home and our pay isn't affected.  I am thankful for my parents and in-laws who have brought us dinner a few times this week so I don't have to worry about making food. I am thankful for a friend who is willing to come over and watch Bobby for a few hours because Hubs had to go into the office today and I have doctor's appointments this afternoon.  Kiddo is very excited to have someone else to show everything and tell all the things. 

It is nice to feel loved and taken care of

 So tomorrow 10/15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

Last year I was aware of these things mostly because I was pregnant and I while I had a good 12 week scan I decided to wait until November to announce my pregnancy because I knew people who had lost babies or had been through a pregnancy loss. And now this year I am once again pregnant and not ready to announce but now I am one of the people that has been through a pregnancy loss. 

I think I am going to light a candle at 7pm in memory of my Patrick who I miss everyday. Trying to decide if I will be posting this on my other socials as invitation to have other join me.


But also I just found out that this fetus is unlikely to have any chromosomal issues thanks to some early testing. 

Basically I am having all of the emotions and not sure how much I want share them.  

I have have been having a real rough time with this pregnancy. CW: Pregnancy, Vomit, Bodily Fluids


I have not been able to keep anything solid down in over 2 days. I am doing my best to stay hydrated with water, juice, smoothies and such. But I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I have gotten so used to vomiting that I have a vomit cup in all the bathrooms. Partly so I don't have to bed over (as that makes me nauseous) and partly because vomiting makes me pee and i would rather sit on the toilet and vomit into a cup so that I don't have to clean pee off the floor. 

I am just exhausted and trying to survive. Thankfully we have been able to keep up with getting kiddo to school and home. He also knows now that I am pregnant. Honestly I am a little surprised that he wasn't suspicious. He was getting worried that mommy was throwing up so much. he seems to be excited by the idea, and it has made him a bit more likely to go along with things. 


I just picked up some new nausea meds. Here is hoping that I can eat something solid soon!
 

Today my kiddo is doing his first day of kindergarten. He said that he was both excited and scared. And so am I. 

The school is not that far away and his teacher and all the other staff seem lovely. But beside the normal 'my baby is growing up and starting school' I am also have the 'oh shit there are so many people and COVID is still a thing' stress. But everyone we saw this morning had their masks on. They have procedures in place to do their best to keep the kids and staff safe. But still I worry. 

Thankfully I have a meeting and therapy today to that will eat up some time. But I will be so excited to pick him up at 3 and hear about his day. 

So this new Texas law has me fuming for multiple reasons. 

1. 6 weeks? Like you can't even getting your first OB appointment be 6 weeks, even if you have been obsessively tracking your cycle. not to mention the many many menstruating people who have weird, long or irregular cycles. So be they time they may notice something is up, it may be long after 6 weeks. Also 6 weeks means you have only been pregnant for 4 week as the first 2 weeks are before ovulation and then you have to wait 2 more weeks for a missed period (assuming you have a 4 week cycle). So at most that gives you 2 weeks to know you are pregnant and decide not to stay pregnant. When you scheduled a doctors appointment how long until they could see you? 2 weeks? 3? months? 

2. The idea that we are going to have people report on each other to collect a bounty? What is this the wild west? When has putting bounties out ever worked well? Like how will you know you can you reach out to for support and what if someone overhears your? This is basically going to be a witch hunt and make more divides among people.  Also this is just going to be a waste of taxpayers money to investigate. 

3. Supreme court silence on this whole thing. Like this is what people will afraid of in 2016 and when RBG died. There are so many other states that are ready to make safe abortion a thing a past. And I say safe abortions because people will still try and find a away. 

4. I thought my last pregnancy was all fine and dandy until week 20. Way way past 6 weeks. Also I live is a blue state that is pretty liberal, but I still have to travel 45 minutes to a clinic that would see me. I am privileged enough to quickly travel there, get childcare during my appointment, have a job that would allow me to take time off with minimal notice and be able to put 5k on my credit card because it was a private pay clinic and my insurance didn't cover it. 

So today I am very angry and frustrated and scared. 

This week is go time. I am supposedly ovulating later this week and am at peak fertility. So we are trying to have sex everyday this week. Cause I am really ready to get pregnant again. Like I had another dream about it last night and this time 5 years ago I had my baby shower for kiddo so I am getting lots of FB memories about it.  I enjoy being pregnant. I like feeling my body build and nourish another. Yes there are things that are uncomfortable but even things like morning sickness don't really bother me. And honestly after last year I will be so excited about all the early uncomfortable signs the sore boobs and being sensitive to smells. 

I told my therapist that I would like to be pregnant by December. Partly because it would be nice to have something happy as I deal with the 1st anniversary of getting the bad news last year and the termination.  I am feeling pretty good about my mental health. Most days I can get through it with minimal lingering on my grief. Did I still cry driving home after seeing a pregnant friend? Yes. But I was able to be happy for her and not cry until i was alone in my car.  Also I am slightly relieved that she won't be coming this weekend so that I won't have to keep that happy face up all weekend. 


But here is hoping for some baby dust. maybe it will be cause of the lunch time sex we are due to have today. 

 Last week I took a week off for vacation. This is the first time I have taken a week off in about 2 years.  I have taken days off and even done extending weekends. 
But what was really nice was that both Kyle and I were off and we still sent kiddo to daycare. Mostly cause we spend 2 days building and painting the shelves which turned out really really good. and because we really haven't gotten a lot of rest time without him. I love my son I really do but parenting is exhausting. I ended up taking 2 days of just chilling on the couch watching movies I have wanted to see and knitting.  And for once I didn't feel like I was being lazy, I was resting. My body and my mind needed it.

Other highlights of the vacation. 

• Hubs and i got pedicures. (They give the best foot/calf massages) 
• Went to the movie theatre (matinee) to watch Fast and the Furious 9. Fun movie. though I felt anxious being in the theatre with other people
• Birthday celebration for Wolf. Some people (all vaccinated minus kiddo) gather to eat and play games and chill and it was just soooooo nice to have this sense of normallacy. 
• Took kiddo to the beach. Not the ocean beach but a park on the bay with small waves and sand. We weren't there long because we didn't know how kiddo/hubs were going to do. Last time Kiddo was near a body of water he wanted nothing to do with it until 5 minutes before we left and hubs well doesn't like outside/heat. But we had a good time and now we have a better idea of what we can handle in prep for next time. 

Also yesterday as my first day back wasn't super stressful, I planned for the whole day to just be able clearing through my inboxes. Which was a good plan. I went through the 300+ emails between my 3 inboxes and managed to sort through and respond to all that needed a response except one that I hope to get to today. It just needed a bit more information before I can send it.