knit1purr2

CW: TERF, unsupportive family, transphobia

have seen a lot of talk about "Trans Widows" which seems to be women whose spouse transitioned or have come to realize they are not cis men after they have been married.  And they are mad about it. I have not done a lot of looking into what they are saying is the reasoning into this (seems to be a lot of TERF-ness going on). But I have a few thoughts and wanted to get them out. 

Note: These are just my thoughts as a bi cis woman married to a pan cis man. We have have conversations together about all sorts of what ifs, including what if  one of us was not cis. 

First off, if the only reason you married someone is because of their genitals that is not a great reason to get married.  I hope that everyone in a long term relationship has lots of things (physical and not) that they enjoy about their spouse. Yes I enjoy sex with my husband, but I also enjoy playing games with with. I love the way that he gets excited when telling me about a problem that he was worked his way through. I enjoy doing home improvement projects with him. Honestly most of the traits that I enjoy are personality based rather then physical.  

Secondly, everyone grows and changes throughout a long term relationship, some of this is physical, some emotional, some mental. I am a different person then I was when I first met my husband and he is different too. The issues comes not because of the change but how the individuals react and handle it. 

Thirdly, I think that there is still a lot of issues with people getting stuck in a binary way of thinking. Clothes and hair and accessories are not gendered. People should try new things and not get stuck in limiting it to a gender. Wearing nail polish does not make a man less then a man. If you like bright colors on your nails or eyelids or hair, do it!

Also so much of this talk is focusing on the spouse or the family of the transgender individual rather then that individual. Like yes it would be hard to adjust to all of this, but it has to be much harder to live it. So if you are having trouble processing all of this, go to therapy and work it out yourself. Don't yell about this on the internet.  This is a wider problem, where those around the marginalized person get more attention/support then the marginalized person. But that is a rant for another day. 

I can't say for certain the way I would react if my husband told me that he was something other then a cis man. But I would like to think that we would talk about it and figure out what would be best for him. I would want to support him and keep him in our children's lives and mine. He is such an important person to me and yes it probably would change our relationship, but I can't imagine my life without him. 

This was just something that I have been thinking about and it needed to get out of my brain so that I could focus on other things. 

CW: brains working against you, anxiety, sex, spanking

My brain is constantly whirring and normally that is fine as it bounce from figuring out what dinner will be, making sure I don't need to make any doctor appointments for me or the kiddo, trying to come up with a better solution for a work problem. 

But sometime intense worry or anxiety or shame or guilt grab the microphone and then my mind is not a good place. 

I have tried meditation and other mindful things. But I have a very hard time with them. Sometime activities like coloring or knitting are not enough to keep these thoughts at bay. Sometimes I need someone else to step in and help me. 

I have been interested in BDSM for basically as long as I have been sexually active. For me it is mostly the trust in the other person, being able to give up control to someone who while they may test your boundaries are always looking out for you. I have been very fortunate that my husband also has a interest and we have been able to communicate on what we both need and want.

Over the years we have figured out that sometimes after something intensely stressful (such as when I found out one of my coworkers was stealing and had opened numerous accounts in my name) I need him to take control and let me submit to him. For me I am finally able to empty my mind and focus on the current present only.

This past week my anxiety has been bubbling up which has led to me having trouble sleeping and focusing. After talking with my husband about why I thought this was happening, I told him I needed to give up control to him. 

So that is why I spent a night leaning over a desk while he spanked me, used a wooden spoon and belt on my ass. Plus there was some tracing lines on my back with an unknown to me object. I was able to keep all my wondering thoughts at bay, and focus in only on the current moment. I was listening for his movements, I felt the desk under my arms and his hands on me. My brain was not aware of anything that was outside the 5 foot bubble that we were in. 

I think we were both a bit surprised when he tried to stand me up and without the desk's support I just puddled onto the floor. But he was there for me and caught me and lowered me to the floor. 

Afterwards we both were checking in on each other. Checking to see how we were both feeling, what we liked, what we didn't like. 

After the clean up, I was able to go to bed and sleep soundly for the first time in a week. Feeling safe and centered. 

Family: My parents and sibs and their SO's are all due to be fully vaxxed (2nd shot plus 2 weeks) by the end of May. Minus my kid.  My siblings are both dealing with trying to move and my brother is interviewing for jobs. Which I do not envy trying to do during a pandemic. 
My household is doing okay. There are some days where tension is quite high, but that isn't too surprising with us all being in such close quarters for so long. 

House: I have gotten into a good routine of cleaning (Thank you Sweepy) Plus I have managed to tackle some trouble spots that have not been cleaning in a very long time. The clean space has had an good impact on my brain and mental space and it has gentle nudged the rest of the household into keeping up and helping out. 

Work: In March I found a site (Focusmate) which has been so helpful for me to stay on task and focus and get work done. I tend to do between 2-4 sessions during a work day though the only one i preschedule is my 1st of of the day so that I have a defined start time. It has helped me get enough done that I can actually relax on the weekends and helps me feel like I have worked enough to earn my salary. 

Entertainment: I have been playing a lot of New Pokemon Snap, and doing jigsaw puzzles on my phone. Knitting hasn't really been happening, socializing with others hasn't really been happening. 

Me: I think I am doing okay overall.  I know that I need more socializing and I am working on bringing that back into my life. Still having emotions (mostly anxiety) about us trying to conceive again. But I am trying to accept that I am doing everything I can and that the rest of it is out of my control. 

So my period started yesterday afternoon so I didn't get pregnant this cycle. Which means I will not be pregnant on Patrick's EDD. Which is hard. 

Part of me would be hoping that I would have this little bit of joy to hold me through this week but rather I feel like nothing is going right and why does it all matter. But the first thing I did was drink a soda when I saw it. cause I had been trying to limit my caffeine intake cause that is a thing. 

But I am trying to give myself time each day to sit with and name my emotions so that I can get through this. Plus the taking time off so that I can have some couple time and some me time. My boss actually asked if I wanted to take another day next week. We will see. 

So I have finally watched WandaVision (and now waiting for the 8th episode). And It has been so nice/refreshing/deeply reaffirming to see grief portrayed so raw and realistic (as much as you can when you main character has magic)

Things that have stood out in terms of grief. I am going to try and make this spoiler free. 

• Past Grief coming back when New grief comes
• Wanting to retreat into a safe space in response to grief
• Comfort TV where you know that everything will be okay
• The pain of being unable to do normal grieving rituals
• Focusing on others and ignoring your own pain
• Grief is misplaced love

I am so going to be using this a thing that people who want to understand grief, especially my grief should look at to understand what I have been going through. 

i have my first therapy appointment in over a decade tonight. In like 20 minutes. I have done all the intake paperwork. I am just scared to actually talk to someone.I feel like i am managing.....okay with what has happened in the last month. But I also know that I may also be holding in a whole lot of emotions and that is a bad things
  

So Since march 16th kiddo has been out of daycare. Hubs and I have been working from home and getting help from my parents and my in-laws to watching him (they are our COVID bubble) So basically we get 3 days of him being watched so we can work and 2 days of him home with us while we try to work.  Which has worked for now. 

But come August my father has let us know that he will be an election judge (which is a good thing) but since he will be interacting with a large amount of people, our immediate family was like that is cool, we will see you 2 weeks later. Then my MIL is having to have a medical surgery and there is a large likelihood of other procedures and thus they will be unable to help with childcare. 

Since we would be losing some help in October and all of it in November, Hubs and I decided that instead of the 2 of us WFH with kiddo 5 days a week, we would look into getting kiddo back into daycare. Only the one he had been in has closed permently. 

But we have found another one that is closer to home (which is good cause we will both be WFH until the January 2021 at least. Kiddo is actually excited about it. I am excited to get him (and me) back on a schedule.I won't have to balancing working and moming. But I am mourning the fact that I will lose the small social circle that I have had. with kiddo being in contact with other kids, we don't want to spread that to our parents.  And friends who we have done some socially distant stuff with in the past (Playdates mostly) don't feel comfortable doing that once a kid is back in day care. and I understand that. Like I am willing to do what make the most cautious person comfortable. But this means that basically we will be back to just my household socially.

And i am scared. I know that I am a social person and I need interaction. Before covid I was doing things out of the house 3-4 nights a week. I like people. and online interaction isn't really the same. especially since everyone seems to have Zoom fatigue. I am worried about my mental health. but honestly i don't think that would have been super good trying to work from home all week with kiddo. 

There is no good decision, there is no right decision. This is just the best of the shitty options for our family. 

So there was an AITA post about how their wife has a 'secret' bank account and it made me think of money and how it is organized in my life. 

I had a savings account from the time I was very little, Birthday money and such all went in there. There were only deposits until high school were I would deposit babysitting money and take money out for big trips.  Then when I went to college I got a  credit card which i used twice a year for the first 2 years. 

I got a new checking and savings account halfway through college when I started working at staples. This was fully mine. I opened it. I still have it and my paycheck still get deposited there. 

When Hubs and I moved in together (after engagement but before marriage) we signed up for a joint account that we both deposited money into for rent/grocery/household expenses. We don't put in a 50/50 split but rather more representative to our salaries.I think right now it is like a 60/40 split cause he makes more money.  We have reviewed what our contributions are ever 18 months or so. I calculate up what our average monthly expenses are (Mortgage, childcare, grocery, internet, pet expenses, cell phones) and we make sure that we are depositing that much plus an extra 10%. We also put any monetary gifts/extra money that are to both of us in there. (wedding, anniversary,  tax refund).

Everything else goes into our personal accounts (Both checking and savings). From our personal accounts we pay for our student loans, credit cards, car payments, gifts for each other and any other purchase we want. For me that is yarn and more yarn, for him that is computer part or stuff for his latest projects. This means we can buy what we want and the other will (mostly) be quiet about it. 

We also recently opened a joint savings account to start saving for a down payment for a house. we each put some money in there. I put some in every paycheck he puts some in twice a month after paying his bills. 


So I think in a average paycheck it breaks down like this for me.
40% goes to the joint checking account for joint bills. 
30% to personal checking account
20% goes to my personal savings account
10% to the joint savings account. 

This is what works for us. I am a saver and he is a spender but we both hate doing budgets.

I miss other people. Hugs with friends. A room filled with people and laughter and joy and conversation. Sitting acorss from a friend while eating lunch and then standing outside by your cars for another hour just talking. I miss taking my kid to the playground to let him run around with other small humans. 

I miss having social and miss having touches that are just friendly and equal. Not needy or sexual. Honestly the touch that is the closest that I get to that right now, is cuddling with the cats. they will be laying next to me touching my thigh or a tail hitting the back of my neck. A "I am here close to you, but you don't need to do anything about it" . Even when Avalon decided to lay in my lap while I am working, I don't need to focus on her, it is just a I am here in the same space as you and glad to be here. I am trying to savor that. 

I am also trying to break my social out into small pieces, having a short 15 minutes 'coffee break' helps me refocus and get back into work. It is nice to see other people, either Online friends getting to know them better one on one. Or friends I wish I could see in person or who i haven't talked to in a while. 

I am lucky enough that I can telework while this whole COVID-19 Pandemic thing is raging on. So does Kyle. But daycare is closed for at least 2 weeks. That is the hard part. 

I am trying to see what I can do to still give kiddo a decent schedule that still allows both Kyle and I to get some work done. This is the point that I wish that kiddo was a little older and was a bit more self sufficient. But we are making it work. Cause we have to. 

I am not sure how much help I am willing to accept from the grandparents because they are in the higher risk group and kiddo does not social distance well. Also I want to try and keep our family as safe as possible. 

And of course this means that today was the day that my car battery died. So Kyle had to jump it and then he ordered a new battery for pick up at the store. Thankfully I have been extra vigilant about not touching my face while out of the house and washed my hands as soon as I got home.

Now I am just super tired and still should be online working for the next hour and a half. but I am honestly just aiming for 4 pm, because I started early and I need a little bit a time for me. 

More thoughts to come.